130. 'Besides, he
doth most gravely, also, in that book, debate of the rise of these temptations,
namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like; showing that the law of Moses as
well as the devil, death, and hell hath a very great hand therein, the which,
at first, was very strange to me; but considering and watching, I found it so
indeed. But of particulars here I intend nothing; only this, methinks, I must
let fall before all men, I do prefer this book of Martin Luther upon the
Galatians, excepting the Holy Bible, before all the books that ever I have
seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.'
131. 'And now I
found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly; oh! methought my soul cleaved
unto him, my affections cleaved unto him. I felt love to him as hot as fire;
and now, as Job said, I thought I should die in my nest; but I did quickly find
that my great love was but little and that I, who had, as I thought, such
burning love to Jesus Christ, could let him go again for a very trifle; God can
tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this, my love
was tried to purpose.'
132. For after the
Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered me from this great and sore
temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of his holy gospel, and
had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven touching
my interest in his love through Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and
that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before.
133. And that was, To
sell and part with this most blessed Christ, to exchange him for the things of
this life, for anything. The temptation lay upon me for the space of a year and did follow me so continually that I was not rid of it one day in a month,
no, not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless 'when' I was asleep.
134. And though, in
my judgment, I was persuaded that those who were once effectually in Christ, as
I hoped, through his grace, I had seen myself, could never lose him forever—for "the land shall not be sold forever, for the land is mine,"
saith God (Lev 25:23)—yet it was a continual vexation to me to think that I
should have so much as one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus,
that had done for me as he had done; 'and yet then I had almost none others,
but such blasphemous ones.'
135. But it was
neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and endeavor to resist
it that in the least did shake or abate the continuation, or force and strength
thereof; for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself
therewith in such sort that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop
a stick, or cast my eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation
would come, Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; 'sell him, sell
him.'
136. Sometimes it
would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times together, Sell him,
sell him, sell him; against which I may say, for whole hours together, I have
been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it,
least haply, before I was aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart
that might consent thereto; and sometimes also the tempter would make me
believe I had consented to it, then should I be as tortured upon a rack for
whole days together.
137. This temptation
did put me to such scares, lest I should and sometimes, I say, consent
thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the very force of my mind, in laboring
to gainsay and resist this wickedness, my very body also would be put into
action or motion by way of pushing or thrusting 'with my hands or elbows,'
still answering as fast as the destroyer said, Sell him; I will not, I will
not, I will not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of
worlds. Thus reckoning lest I should amid these assaults, set too
low a value of him, even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how to be
composed began.
