60. O Lord, thought
I, what if I should not, indeed? It may be you are not, said the tempter; it
may be so, indeed, thought I. Why, then, said Satan, you had as good leave off,
and strive no further; for if, indeed, you should not be elected and chosen of
God, there is no talk of your being saved; "For it is neither of him that
willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that showeth mercy."
61. By these things I
was driven to my wits' end, not knowing what to say, or how to answer these
temptations. Indeed, I little thought that Satan had thus assaulted me, but
that rather it was my own prudence, thus to start the question; for, that the
elect only attained eternal life, that I, without scruple, did heartily close
withal; but that myself was one of them, there lay all the question.
62. Thus, therefore,
for several days, I was greatly assaulted and perplexed, and was often, when I
have been walking, ready to sink where I went, with faintness in my mind; but
one day, after I had been so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith, as I
was now quite giving up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that
sentence fell with weight upon my spirit, "Look at the generations of old
and see; did ever any trust in the Lord, and was confounded?"
63. At which I was
greatly lightened and encouraged in my soul; for thus, at that very instant, it
was expounded to me, Begin at the beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of
the Revelation, and see if you can find that there was ever any that trusted in
the Lord, and was confounded. So, coming home, I presently went to my Bible to
see if I could find that saying, not doubting but to find it presently; for it
was so fresh, and with such strength and comfort on my spirit, that I was as if
it talked with me.
64. Well, I looked,
but I found it not; only it abode upon me; then I did ask first this good man,
and then another if they knew where it was, but they knew no such place. At
this, I wondered, that such a sentence should so suddenly, and with such comfort
and strength, seize and abide upon my heart, and yet that none could find it,
for I doubted not but it was in holy Scripture.
65. Thus I continued
above a year, and could not find the place; but at last, casting my eye into
the Apocrypha books, I found it in Ecclesiasticus 2:10. This, at the first, did
somewhat daunt me; but because, by this time, I had got more experience of the
love and kindness of God, it troubled me the less; especially when I
considered, that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and
canonical, yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of
the promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and I bless God for
that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still, at times, shine
before my face.
66. After this, that
other doubt did come with strength upon me, But how if the day of grace should
be passed and gone? What if you have over-stood the time of mercy? Now, I remember
that one day, as I was walking into the country, I was much in the thoughts of
this, But what if the day of grace is passed? And to aggravate my trouble, the
tempter presented to my mind those good people of Bedford, and suggested thus
unto me, That these being converted already, they were all that God would save
in those parts; and that I came too late, for these had got the blessing before
I came.
67. Now was I in
great distress, thinking in very deed that this might well be so; wherefore I
went up and down bemoaning my sad condition, counting myself far worse than a
thousand fools, for standing off thus long, and spending so many years in sin
as I had done; still crying out, Oh, that I had turned sooner; Oh, that I had
turned seven years ago! It made me also angry with myself, to think that I
should have no more wit, but to trifle away my time till my soul and heaven
were lost.
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