110. Then hath the
tempter come upon me, also, with such discouragements as these—You are very hot
for mercy, but I will cool you; this frame shall not last always; many have
been as hot as you for a spirit, but I have quenched their zeal. And with this,
such and such who were fallen off would be set before mine eyes. Then I should
be afraid that I should do so too; but, though I, I am glad this comes into my
mind. Well, I will watch, and take what heed I can. Though you do, said Satan,
I shall be too hard for you; I will cool you insensibly, by degrees, by little
and little. What care I, saith he, though I will be seven years in chilling your
heart if I can do it at last? Continual rocking will lull a crying child
asleep. I will ply it close, but I will have my end accomplished. Though you be
burning hot at present, yet, if I can pull you from this fire, I shall have you
cold before it is long.
111. These things
brought me into great straits; for as I at present could not find myself fit
for present death, so I thought to live long would make me yet more unfit; for
time would make me forget all, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of
sin, the worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me,
both out of mind and thought; but I thank Christ Jesus these things did not at
present make me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it, like her
who met with the adulterer (Deut 22:27); in which days that was a good word to
me after I had suffered these things a while: "I am persuaded that
neither-height, nor depth, nor life," &c., "shall—separate us
from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus" (Rom 8:38). And now I
hoped long life should not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.
112. Yet I had some
supports in this temptation, though they were then all questioned by me; that
in the third of Jeremiah, at the first, was something to me, and so was the
consideration of the fifth verse of that chapter; that though we have spoken
and done as evil things as we could, yet we should cry unto God, "My
Father, thou art the guide of my youth"; and should return unto him.
113. I had, also,
once a sweet glance from that in 2 Corinthians 5:21: "For he hath made him
to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of
God in him." I remember, also, that one day as I was sitting in a
neighbor's house, and there very sad at the consideration of my many
blasphemies, and as I was saying in my mind, What ground have I to think that
I, who have been so vile and abominable, should ever inherit eternal life? that
word came suddenly upon me, "What shall we then say to these things? If
God be for us, who can be against us?" (Rom 8:31). That, also, was a help
unto me, "Because I live, ye shall live also" (John 14:19). But these
were but hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present; only
they lasted not; but, like to Peter's sheet, of a sudden were caught up from me
to heaven again (Acts 10:16).
114. But afterward, the Lord did more fully and graciously discover himself unto me; and, indeed,
did quite, not only deliver me from the guilt that, by these things, was laid
upon my conscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for the temptation
was removed, and I was put into my right mind again, as other Christians were.
115. I remember that
one day, as I was traveling into the country and musing on the wickedness and
blasphemy of my heart, and considering the enmity that was in me to God,
that scripture came into my mind, He hath "made peace through the blood of his
cross" (Col 1:20). By which I was made to see, both again, and again, and
again, that day, that God and my soul were friends by this blood; yea, I saw
that the justice of God and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other
through this blood. This was a good day for me; I hope I shall not forget it.
116. At another time,
as I sat by the fire in my house, and mused on my wretchedness, the Lord made
that also a precious word unto me, "Forasmuch, then, as the children are
partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same;
that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is,
the devil, and deliver them who, through fear of death, were all their lifetime
subject to bondage" (Heb 2:14,15). I thought that the glory of these words
was then so weighty on me that I was, both once and twice, ready to swoon as I
sat; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and peace.
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