68. But when I had
been long vexed with this fear, and was scarcely able to take one step more, just
about the same place where I received my other encouragement, these words broke
in upon my mind, "Compel them to come in, that my house may be
filled"; "and yet there is room" (Luke 14:22,23). These words,
but especially them, "And yet there is room" were sweet words to me;
for, truly, I thought that by them I saw there was place enough in heaven for
me; and, moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words, he then did
think of me; and that he knowing that the time would come that I should be
afflicted with fear that there was no place left for me in his bosom, did
before speaking this word, and leave it upon record, that I might find help
thereby against this vile temptations. 'This, I then verily believed.'
69. In the light and
encouragement of this word, I went a pretty while; and the comfort was the
more when I thought that the Lord Jesus should think of me so long ago and
that he should speak those words on purpose for my sake; for I did then think,
verily, that he did on purpose speak them, to encourage me withal.
70. 'But I was not
without my temptations to go back again; temptations, I say, both from Satan, own mine heart, and carnal acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed
by that sound sense of death and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it
were, continually in my view; I should often also think on Nebuchadnezzar, of
whom it is said, He had given him all the kingdoms of the earth (Dan 5:19).
Yet, thought I if this great man had all his portion in this world, one hour
in hell fire would make him forget all. Which consideration was a great help to
me.'
71. 'I was almost
made, about this time, to see something concerning the beasts that Moses
counted clean and unclean. I thought those beasts were types of men; the clean,
types of them that were the people of God; but the unclean, types of such were the children of the wicked one. Now, I read that the clean beasts chewed
the cud; that is, thought I, they show us we must feed upon the Word of God.
They also parted the hoof; I thought that signified we must part if we would
be saved, with the ways of ungodly men. And also, in further reading about them
I found, that though we did chew the cud as the hare if we walked with
claws like a dog, or if we did part the hoof like the swine, yet if we did not
chew the cud as the sheep, we were still, for all that, but unclean; for I
thought the here to be a type of those that talk of the Word, yet walk in the
ways of sin; and that the swine was like him that parteth with his outward pollutions,
but still wanteth the Word of faith, without which there could be no way of
salvation, let a man be never so devout (Deut 14).' After this I found, by
reading the Word, that those that must be glorified with Christ in another
world must be called by him here; called to partake of a share in his
Word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first fruits of his spirit, and
to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things which do indeed fore fit
the soul for that rest and house of glory which is in heaven above.
72. Here, again, I
was at a very great stand, not knowing what to do, fearing I was not called;
for if I am not called, what then can do me good? 'None but those
who are effectually called, inherit the kingdom of heaven.' But oh! how I now
loved those words that spake of a Christian's calling! as when the Lord said to
one, "Follow me," and to another, "Come after me." And oh!
thought I, that he would say so to me too, how gladly would I run after him!
73. I cannot now
express with what longings and breakings in my soul I cried to Christ to call
me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame to be converted to Jesus
Christ; and did also see at that day, such glory in a converted state, that I
could not be contented without a share therein. Gold! could it have been gotten
for gold, what could I have given for it! had I had a whole world it had all
gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul might have been in a
converted state?
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