11. Yet this I well
remember, that though I could myself sin with the greatest delight and ease,
and also take pleasure in the vileness of my companions; yet, even then, if I
have at any time seen wicked things, by those who professed goodness, it would
make my spirit tremble. As once, above all the rest, when I was in my height of
vanity, yet hearing one swear that was reckoned for a religious man, it had
so great a stroke upon my spirit, that it made my heart ache.
12. 'But God did not
utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now with convictions, but
judgments; yet such as were mixed with mercy. For once I fell into a creek of
the sea and hardly escaped drowning. Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford
River, but mercy yet preserved me alive. Besides, another time, being in the
field with one of my companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the
highway; so I, having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and having
stunned her, I forced to open her mouth with my stick, and plucked her sting out
with my fingers; by which act, had not God been merciful unto me, I might, by
my desperateness, have brought myself to mine end.'
13. 'This also have I
taken notice of with thanksgiving; when I was a soldier, I, with others, were
drawn out to go to such a place to besiege it; but when I was just ready to go,
one of the company desired to go in my room; to which, when I had consented, he
took my place; and coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot into
the head with a musket bullet, and died.'
14. 'Here, as I said,
were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did awaken my soul to
righteousness; wherefore I sinned still and grew more and more rebellious
against God, and careless of mine own salvation.'
15. Presently after
this, I changed my condition into a married state, and my mercy was to light
upon a wife whose father was counted godly. This woman and I, though we came
together as poor as poor might be, not having so much household stuff as a dish
or spoon betwixt us both, yet this she had for her part, The Plain Man's
Pathway to Heaven, and The Practice of Piety, which her father had left her
when he died. In these two books I should sometimes read with her, wherein I
also found some things that were somewhat pleasing to me; but all this while I
met with no conviction. She also would often tell me, what a godly man
her father was, and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in his house,
and amongst his neighbors; what a strict and holy life he lived in his day,
both in word and deed.
16. Wherefore these
books with this relation, though they did not reach my heart, to awaken it
about my sad and sinful state, yet they did beget within me some desires to
religion: so that, because I knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the
religion of the times; to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with
the foremost; and there should very devoutly, both say and sing as others did,
yet retaining my wicked life; but withal, I was so overrun with a spirit of
superstition, that I adored, and that with great devotion, even all things,
both the high place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what else belongs
to the church; counting all things holy that were therein contained, and
especially the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt, greatly blessed,
because they were the servants, as I then thought, of God, and were principal
in the holy temple, to do his work therein.
17. This conceit grew
so strong in little time upon my spirit, that had I but seen a priest, though
never so sordid and debauched in his life, I should find my spirit fall under
him, reverence him, and knit unto him; yea, I thought for the love I did bear
unto them, supposing they were the ministers of God, I could have lain down at
their feet, and have been trampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and
work, did so intoxicate and bewitch me.
18. After I had been
thus for some considerable time, another thought came into my mind; and that
was, whether we were of the Israelites or not? For finding in the Scriptures
that they were once the peculiar people of God, thought I, if I were one of
this race, my soul must need be happy. Now again, I found within me a great
longing to be resolved this question, but could not tell how I should. At
last, I asked my father about it; who told me—No, we were not. Wherefore then I
fell in my spirit as to the hopes of that, and so remained.
19. But all this
while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil of sin; I was kept from
considering that sin would damn me, what religion soever I followed, unless I
was found in Christ. Nay, I never thought of him, nor whether there was one, or
not. Thus man, while blind, doth wander, but wearied himself with vanity, for he
knoweth not the way to the city of God (Eccl 10:15).
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