37. But upon a day,
the good providence of God did cast me to Bedford, to work on my calling; and
in one of the streets of that town, I came where there were three or four poor
women sitting at a door in the sun, and talking about the things of God; and
being now willing to hear their discourse, I drew near to hear what they said,
for I was now a brisk talker also myself in the matters of religion, but now I
may say, I heard, but I understood not; for they were far above, out of my
reach; for their talk was about the new birth, the work of God on their hearts,
also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature; they talked
how God had visited their souls with his love in the Lord Jesus, and with what
words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted, and supported against
the temptations of the devil. Moreover, they reasoned about the suggestions and
temptations of Satan in particular; and told each other by which they had
been afflicted, and how they were borne up under his assaults. They also
discoursed of their own wretchedness of heart, of their unbelief; and did
contemn, slight, and abhor their own righteousness, as filthy and insufficient
to do them any good.
38. And methought
they spake as if joy did make them speak; they spake with such pleasantness of
Scripture language, and with such appearance of grace in all they said, that
they were to me as if they had found a new world, as if they were people
that dwelt alone, and were not to be reckoned among their neighbors (Num
23:9).
39. At this I felt my
own heart begin to shake, as mistrusting my condition to be naught; for I saw
that in all my thoughts about religion and salvation, the new birth did never
enter into my mind, neither knew I the comfort of the Word and promise, nor the
deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart. As for secret thoughts, I
took no notice of them; neither did I understand what Satan's temptations were,
nor how they were to be withstood and resisted, &c.
40. Thus, therefore,
when I had heard and considered what they said, I left them and went about my
employment again, but their talk and discourse went with me; also my heart
would tarry with them, for I was greatly affected with their words, both
because by them I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly
man, and also because by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition
of him that was such a one.
41. Therefore I
should often make it my business to be going again and again into the company
of these poor people, for I could not stay away; and the more I went amongst
them, the more did question my condition; and as I still do remember, presently
I found two things within me, at which I did sometimes marvel, especially
considering what a blind, ignorant, sordid, and ungodly wretch but just before
I was; the one was a very great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused
me to fall under the conviction of what by Scripture they asserted; and the
other was a great bending in my mind to a continual meditating on it, and on
all other good things which at any time I heard or read of.
42. 'By these things'
my mind was now so turned, that it lay like a horse leech at the vein, still
crying out, Give, give (Prov 30:15); yea, it was so fixed on eternity, and on
the things about the kingdom of heaven, that is, so far as I knew, though as
yet, God knows, I knew but little; that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor
persuasions, nor threats, could loosen it, or make it let go his hold; and
though I may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed a certain truth, it
would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to
earth, as I have found it often since to get it again from earth to heaven.'
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