80. These things have
often made me think of that child which the father brought to Christ, who, while
he was yet a coming to him, was thrown down by the devil, and also so rent and
torn by him that he lay and wallowed, foaming (Luke 9:42; Mark 9:20).
81. Further, in these
days I should find my heart to shut itself up against the Lord, and against his
holy Word. I have found my unbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder to the
door to keep him out, and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter
sigh cried, Good Lord, break it open; Lord, break these gates of brass, and cut
these bars of iron asunder (Psa 107:16). Yet that word would sometimes create
in my heart a peaceable pause, "I girded thee, though thou hast not known
me" (Isa 45:5).
82. But all this
while as to the act of sinning, I never was more tender than now; I durst not
take a pin or a stick, though but so big as a straw, for my conscience now was
sore, and would smart at every touch; I could not now tell how to speak my
words, for fear I should misplace them. Oh, how gingerly did I then go in
all I did or said! I found myself as on a miry bog that shook if I did but
stir; and 'was' there left both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good
things.
83. 'But, I observe,
though I was such a great sinner before conversion, yet God never much charged
the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me; only he showed me I was lost if
I had not Christ, because I had been a sinner; I saw that I wanted a perfect
righteousness to present me without fault before God, and this righteousness
was nowhere to be found, but in the person of Jesus Christ.'
84. 'But my original
and inward pollution, that, that was my plague and my affliction; that, I say,
at a dreadful rate, always putting forth itself within me; that I had the guilt
of, to amazement; by reason of that, I was more loathsome in my own eyes than
was a toad; and I thought I was so in God's eyes too; sin and corruption, I
said, would as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a
fountain. I thought now that everyone had a better heart than I had; I could
have changed heart with anybody; I thought none but the devil himself could
equalize me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell, therefore, at
the sight of my own vileness, deeply into despair; for I concluded that this
condition that I was in could not stand with a state of grace. Sure, thought I,
I am forsaken of God; sure I am given up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind;
and thus I continued a long while, even for some years together.'
85. 'While I was thus
afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, there were two things that would make
me wonder; the one was when I saw old people hunting after the things of this
life as if they should live here always; the other was when I found
professors much distressed and cast down when they met with outward losses; as
of husband, wife, child, &c. Lord, thought I, what ado is here about such
little things as these! What seeking after carnal things by some, and what
grief in others for the loss of them! if they so much labor after, and spend
so many tears for the things of this present life, how am I to be bemoaned,
pitied, and prayed for! My soul is dying, my soul is damning. Were my soul but
in a good condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem
myself, though blessed but with bread and water; I should count those but small
afflictions, and should bear them as little burdens. "A wounded spirit who
can bear?"'
86. And though I was
thus troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with the sight and sense and terror
of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off
my mind; for I found, that unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right
way, that is, by the blood of Christ, a man grew rather worse for the loss of
his trouble of mind, than better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then
I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it off; and if it was going
off without it (for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die, and
go quite away), then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by
bringing the punishment for sin in hell fire upon my spirits; and should cry,
Lord, let it not go off my heart, but the right way, but by the blood of
Christ, and by the application of thy mercy, through him, to my soul; for that
Scripture lay much upon me, "without shedding of blood is no
remission" (Heb 9:22). And that which made me the more afraid of this was,
because I had seen some, who, though when they were under wounds of conscience,
then they would cry and pray; but they seeking rather present ease from their
trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared not how they lost their guilt, so
they got it out of their mind; and, therefore, having got it off the wrong way,
it was not sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more
wicked after their trouble. This made me afraid and made me cry to God 'the
more,' that it might not be so with me.
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