20. But one day,
amongst all the sermons our parson made, his subject was, to treat the
Sabbath-day, and the evil of breaking that, either with labor, sports, or
otherwise. Now I was, notwithstanding my religion, one that took much delight
in all manner of vice, and especially that was the day that I did solace myself
therewith, wherefore I fell in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and
believing that he made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil-doing; and at
that time I felt what guilt was, though never before, that I can remember; but
then I was, for the present, greatly loaden therewith, and so went home when
the sermon was ended, with a great burden upon my spirit.
21. This, for that
instant, did 'benumb' the sinews of my 'best' delights, and did imbitter my
former pleasures to me; but behold, it lasted not, for before I had well dined,
the trouble began to go off my mind, and my heart returned to its old course:
but oh! How glad was I, that this trouble was gone from me, and that the fire
was put out, 'that I might sin again without control!' Wherefore, when I had
satisfied nature with my food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old
custom of sports and gaming, I returned with great delight.
22. But the same day,
as I was in the midst of a game, and having struck it one blow from
the hole, just as I was about to strike it the second time, a voice did
suddenly dart from heaven into my soul, which said, Wilt thou leave thy sins
and go to heaven, or have thy sins and go to hell? At this I was put to an
exceeding maze; wherefore, leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked up to
heaven, and was, as if I had, with the eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord
Jesus looking down upon me, as being very hotly displeased with me, and as if
he did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and other
my ungodly practices.
23. I had no sooner
thus conceived in my mind, but suddenly this conclusion was fastened on my
spirit, for the former hint did set my sins again before my face, that I had
been a great and grievous sinner, and that it was now too late for me to
look after heaven; for Christ would not forgive me, nor pardon my
transgressions. Then I fell to musing upon this also; and while I was thinking
on it, and fearing lest it should be so, I felt my heart sink in despair,
concluding it was too late; and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on
in sin: for, thought I, if the case is thus, my state is surely miserable;
miserable if I leave my sins, and but miserable if I follow them; I can but be
damned, and if I must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as to be
damned for few.
24. Thus I stood in
the midst of my play, before all that they were present; but yet I told them
nothing: but I say, I have made this conclusion, I returned 'desperately' to
my sport again; and I well remember, that presently this kind of despair did so
possess my soul, that I was persuaded, I could never attain to other comforts than what I should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I
must not think; wherefore I found within me a great desire to take my fill of
sin, still studying what sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste the sweetness
of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly with its delicates,
lest I should die before I had my desire; for that, I feared greatly. In these
things, I protest before God, I lie not, neither do I feign this sort of
speech; these were really, strongly, and with all my heart, my desires; the
good Lord, whose mercy is unsearchable, forgive me my transgressions.
25. And I am very
confident, that this temptation of the devil is more usual amongst poor
creatures than many are aware of, even to overrun their spirits with a scurvy
and seared frame of heart, and benumbing of conscience; which frame, he stilly
and slyly supplieth with such despair, that though not much guilt attendeth the
soul, yet they continually have a secret conclusion within them, that there are
no hopes for them; for they have loved sins, "therefore after them they
will go" (Jer 2:25, 18:12).
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