87. And now was I
sorry that God had made me a man, for I feared I was a reprobate; I counted man
as unconverted, the most doleful of all the creatures. Thus being afflicted and
tossed about my sad condition, I counted myself alone, and above most of the men unblessed.
88. 'Yea, I thought
it impossible that ever I should attain to so much goodness of heart, as to
thank God that he had made me a man. Man indeed is the noblest by creation,
of all creatures in the visible world; but by sin, he had made himself the most
ignoble. The beasts, birds, fishes, &c., I blessed their condition, for
they had not a sinful nature, they were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they
were not to go to hell fire after death; I could therefore have rejoiced, had
my condition been as any of theirs.'
89. In this condition
I went a great while; but when comforting time has come, I heard one preach a
sermon upon those words in the Song (4:1), "Behold thou art fair, my love;
behold thou art fair." But at that time he made these two words, "My
love," his chief and subject matter; from which, after he had a little
opened the text, he observed these several conclusions: 1. That the church, and
so every saved soul, is Christ's love, when loveless. 2. Christ's love without
a cause. 3. Christ's love when hated of the world. 4. Christ's love when under
temptation, and under desertion. 5. Christ's love from first to last.
90. But I got nothing
by what he said at present, only when he came to the application of the fourth
particular, this was the word he said; If it is so, that the saved soul is
Christ's love when under temptation and desertion; then poor tempted soul, when
thou art assaulted and afflicted with temptation, and the hidings of God's
face, yet think on these two words, "My love," still.
91. So as I was going home, these words came again into my thoughts; and I well remember, as
they came in, I said thus in my heart, What shall I get by thinking on these
two words? This thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but the words
began thus to kindle in my spirit, "Thou art my love, thou art my
love," twenty times together; and still as they ran thus in my mind, they
waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being as yet
between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, But is it true, but is it
true? At which, that sentence fell in upon me, He "wist not that it was
true which was done by the angel" (Acts 12:9).
92. Then I began to
give place to the word, which, with power, did over and over make this joyful
sound within my soul, thou art my love, thou art my love; and nothing shall
separate thee from my love; and with that (Rom 8:39) came into my mind: Now was
my heart filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins
should be forgiven me; 'yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God,
that I remember I could not tell how to contain till I got home; I thought I
could have spoken of his love, and of his mercy to me, even to the very crows
that sat upon the plowed lands before me, had they been capable to have
understood me'; wherefore I said in my soul, with much gladness, well, I would
I had a pen and ink here, I would write this down before I go any further, for
surely I will not forget this forty years hence; but, alas! within less than
forty days, I began to question all again; 'which made me begin to question all
still.'
93. Yet still at
times, I was helped to believe that it was a true manifestation of grace unto
my soul, though I had lost much of the life and savor of it. Now about a week
or fortnight after this, I was much followed by this scripture, "Simon,
Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you" (Luke 22:31). And sometimes
it would sound so loud within me, yea, and as it were call so strongly after
me, that once above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking
verily that some man had, behind me, called to me; being at a great distance,
'methought he called so loud; it came, as I have thought since, to have stirred
me up to prayer, and to watchfulness; it came to acquaint me that a cloud and a
storm was coming down upon me, but I understood it not.'
94. 'Also, as I
remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the last time it
sounded in mine ear; but methinks I hear still with what a loud voice these
words, Simon, Simon, sounded in mine ears. I thought verily, as I have told
you, that somebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind me; and
although that was not my name, it made me suddenly look behind me,
believing that he that called so loud meant me.'
95. But so foolish
was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of this sound; which, as I did
both see and feel soon after, was sent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to
provide for what was coming; only it would make me muse and wonder in my mind,
to think what should be the reason that this scripture, and that at this rate,
so often and so loud, should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears; but,
as I said before, I soon after perceived the end of God therein.
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