52. So I continued at
a great loss; for I thought, if they only had faith, which could do so
wonderful things, then I concluded, that, for the present, I neither had it nor yet, for time to come, were ever like to have it. Thus, I was tossed
betwixt the devil and my own ignorance, and so perplexed, especially at some
times, that I could not tell what to do.
53. About this time,
the state and happiness of these poor people at Bedford were thus, in a dream or
vision, represented to me. I saw, as if they were set on the sunny side of some
high mountain, there refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun,
while I was shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow,
and dark clouds. Methought, also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did
compass about this mountain; now, through this wall, my soul did greatly desire
to pass; concluding, that if I could, I would go even into the very midst of
them, and they also comfort myself with the heat of their sun.
54. About this wall I
thought myself, to go again and again, still prying as I went, to see if I
could find some way or passage, by which I might enter therein; but none could
I find for some time. At the last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a
little doorway in the wall, through which I attempted to pass; but the passage
being very strait and narrow, I made many efforts to get in, but all in vain,
even until I was well nigh quite beat out, by striving to get in; at last, with
great striving, methought I at first did get in my head, and after that, by a
sidling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body; then was I exceeding glad, and
went and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with the light and
heat of their sun.
55. Now, this
mountain and wall, &c., was thus made out to me—the mountain signified the
church of the living God; the sun that shone thereon, the comfortable shining
of his merciful face on them that were therein; the wall, I thought, was the
Word, that did make separation between the Christians and the world; and the
gap which was in this wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, who is the way to God
the Father (John 14:6; Matt 7:14). But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful
narrow, even so narrow, that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter in
thereat, it showed me that none could enter into life, but those that were in
downright earnest, and unless also they left this wicked world behind them; for
there was only room for body and soul, but not for body and soul, and sin.
56. This resemblance
abode upon my spirit many days; all which time, I saw myself in a forlorn and
sad condition, but yet was provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one
of that number that did sit in the sunshine. Now also I should pray wherever I
was, whether at home or abroad, in house or field, and should also often, with
lifting up of heart, sing that of the 51st Psalm, O Lord, consider my distress;
for as yet I knew not where I was.
57. Neither as yet
could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that I had faith in Christ; but
instead of having satisfaction, here I began to find my soul to be assaulted
with fresh doubts about my future happiness; especially with such as these,
Whether I was elected? But how, if the day of grace should now be passed and
gone?
58. By these two
temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted; sometimes by one, and
sometimes by the other of them. And first, to speak of that about my
questioning my election, I found at this time, that though I was in a flame to
find the way to heaven and glory, and though nothing could beat me off from
this, yet this question did so offend and discourage me, that I was, especially
at some times, as if the very strength of my body also had been taken away by
the force and power thereof. This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon
all my desires, "It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth,
but of God that showeth mercy" (Rom 9:16).
59. With this scripture I could not tell what to
do; for I evidently saw, that unless the great God, of his infinite grace and
bounty, had voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should
desire, and long and labor until my heart did break, no good could come of it.
Therefore, this would still stick with me, How can you tell that you are
elected? And what if you should not? How then?
