245. The Scriptures now also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven; those 'that' the Scriptures favor they must inherit bliss, but those 'that' they oppose and condemn must perish evermore. Oh this word, "For the Scripture cannot be broken": would rend the caul of my heart; and so would that other, "Whose soever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained." Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge (Josh 20:4), those 'that' they were to receive in, were received to life; but those that they shut out were to be slain by the avenger of blood.
246. Oh! One sentence of the Scripture did more afflict and terrify my mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me, as sometimes I thought they every one did, more I say, than an army of forty thousand men that might have come against me. Woe be to him against whom the Scriptures bend themselves.
247. By this temptation I was made 'to' see more into the nature of the promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling under the mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the thunderings of his justice; this made me, with careful heart and watchful eye, with great seriousness, to turn over every leaf, and with much diligence, mixed with trembling, to consider every sentence, together with its natural force and latitude.
248. By this temptation, also, I was greatly beaten off my former foolish practice, of putting by the word of promise when it came into my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the promise as I had done at other times, yea, like to a man a-sinking, I should catch at all I saw; formerly I thought I might not meddle with the promise unless I felt its comfort, but now it was no time thus to do, the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.
249. Now therefore I was glad to catch at that word, which yet I feared I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the bosom of that promise, which yet I feared did shut its heart against me. Now also I should labor to take the Word as God had laid it down, without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof. O what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John, "And him that cometh to me, I will in no wise cast out" (v 37). Now I began to consider, that God had a bigger mouth to speak with than I had a heart to conceive with. I thought also with myself that he spake not his words in haste, or in unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very truth and faithfulness (2 Sam 3:18).
250. I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even flounce towards the promise, as the horses do towards sound ground that yet sticks in the mire, concluding, though as one almost bereft of his wits through fear, on this I will rest and stay, and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it. Oh! many a pull hath my heart had with Satan for that blessed sixth of John. I did not now, as at other times, look principally for comfort, though, O how welcome would it have been unto me! But now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that I might not sink forever! 'it was that I hunted for.'
251. Yea, often when I have been making the promise, I have seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul forever. I was often as if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me to keep me from him as with a flaming sword. Then I should think of Esther, who went to petition the king contrary to the law (Esth 4:16). I thought also of Benhadad's servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy (1 Kings 20:31). The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted, though called dog by Christ (Matt 15:20-28). And the man that went to borrow bread at midnight (Luke 11:5-8), were great encouragements unto me.
251. I never saw those heights and depths in grace and love, and mercy, as I saw after this temptation. Great sins do draw out great grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce there the mercy of God in Christ when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty. When Job had passed through his captivity, he had "twice as much as he had before" (Job 42:10). Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make an observation of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this time omit them, and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I 'did.' 'I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I could hardly bear up under it, it was so out of measure amazing when I thought it could reach me, that I do think, if that sense of it had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for business.'
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