149. 'And now was I both the
burden and a terror to myself, nor did I ever so know, as now, what it was to
be weary of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh, how gladly now would I have been
anybody but myself! Anything but a man! and in any condition but mine own! for
there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was
impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from the wrath
to come.'
150. And now began I to labour to
call again time that was past; wishing a thousand times twice told, that the
day was yet to come, when I should be tempted to such a sin! concluding with
great indignation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather
have been torn in pieces, than found a consenter thereto. But alas! these
thoughts, and wishes, and resolve, were now too late to help me; the thought
had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh! thought I,
"that it was with me as in months past, as in the days when God preserved
me!" [Job 29:2]
151. Then again, being loath and
unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others, to see if I could
find that any of those that were saved had done as I had done. So I considered
David's adultery and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too
committed after light and grace received; but yet but considering, I perceived
that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of Moses; from
which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of his Word, deliver him: but
mine was against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof; 'I had sold my
Saviour.'
152. Now again should I be as if
racked upon the wheel, when I considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed
me, I should be so void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no
sin but this? Must it needs be the great transgression? (Psa 19:13) Must that
wicked one touch my soul? (1 John 5:18) Oh, what stings did I find in all these
sentences!
153. 'What, thought I, is there but one unpardonable sin? But one sin that laid the soul without the reach of God's mercy; and must I be guilty of that? Must it need be that? Is there but one sin among so many millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh, unhappy sin! Oh, unhappy man! These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I thought, at times, they would have broken my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, "Ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected." Oh! none knows the terrors of those days but me.'
154. After this I came to
consider Peter's sin, which he committed in denying his master; and indeed,
this came highest to mine, of any that I could find; for he had denied his
Saviour, as I, and that after light and mercy received; yea, and that too,
after warning given him. I also considered that he did both once and twice; and
that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances
together, that, if possible, I might find help, yet I considered again, that
his was but a denial of his master, but mine was a selling of my Saviour.
Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than either to
David or Peter.
155. Here again my torment would
flame out and afflict me; yea, it would grind me, as it were, to powder, to
discern the preservation of God towards others, while I fell into the snare;
for in my thus considering of other men's sins, and comparing of them with my
own, I could evidently see how God preserved them, notwithstanding their
wickedness, and would not let them, as he had let me, to become a son of
perdition.
No comments:
Post a Comment