138. 'At these
seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but, forsooth, when I was set the table at my meat, I must go hence to pray; I must leave my food now, and
just now, so counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When I was thus
tempted, I should say to myself, Now I am at my meat, let me make an end. No,
said he, you must do it now, or you will displease God, and despise Christ.
Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness
of my nature, imagining that these things were impulses from God, I should deny
to do it, as if I denied God; and then should I be as guilty, because I did not
obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed.'
139. But to be brief,
one morning, as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at other times, most fiercely
assaulted with this temptation, to sell and part with Christ; the wicked
suggestion still running in my mind, sell him, sell him, sell him, sell him,
'sell him,' as fast as a man could speak; against which also, in my mind, as
and other times, I answered, No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands,
at least twenty times together. But at last, after much striving, even until I
was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart, Let him
go, if he will! and I thought also, that I felt my heart 'freely' consent
thereto. 'Oh, the diligence of Satan! [34] Oh, the desperateness of man's
heart!'
140. Now was the
battle won, and down fell I, as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree,
into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I went
moping into the field; but God knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I
think, could bear; where, for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft
of life, and as now past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.
141. And withal, that
scripture did seize upon my soul, "Or profane person, as Esau, who for one
morsel of meat, sold his birthright; for ye know, how that afterward, when he
would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of
repentance, so he sought it carefully with tears" (Heb 12:16,17).
142. 'Now was I as
one bound, I felt myself shut out unto the judgment to come; nothing now for
two years together would abide with me, but damnation, and an expectation of
damnation; I say, nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few
moments for relief, as in the sequel you will see.'
143. These words were
to my soul like fetters of brass to my legs, in the continual sound of which I
went for several months together. But about ten or eleven o'clock one day, as I
was walking under a hedge, full of sorrow in guilt, God knows, and bemoaning
myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should arise within me; suddenly
this sentence bolted in upon me, The blood of Christ remits all guilt. At this
I made a stand in my spirit; with that, this word took hold of me, beginning,
"The blood of Jesus Christ, his Son, cleanseth us from all sin" (1
John 1:7).
144. Now I began to
conceive peace in my soul, in methought I saw as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same time
also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ thus represented to me, that my sin,
when compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clot
or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave
me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also,
methought I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins; but
because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt
again.
145. 'But chiefly by
the afore-mentioned scripture, concerning Esau's selling of his birthright; for
that scripture would lie all day long, all the week-long, yea, all the year
long in my mind, and hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself;
for when I would strive to turn me to this scripture, or that, for relief,
still that sentence would be sounding in me, "For ye know, how that
afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing-he found no place of
repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears."'
146. Sometimes also, I should have a touch from that in Luke 22:32, "I have prayed for
thee, that thy faith fails not"; but it would not abide upon me; neither
could I indeed, when I considered my state, find ground to conceive in the
least, that there should be the root of that grace within me, having sinned as
I had done. Now was I tore and rent in a heavy case, for many days together.
147. Then began I
with sad and careful heart, to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin,
and to search in the Word of God, if I could in any place espy a word of
promise, or any encouraging sentence by which I might take relief. Wherefore I
began to consider that third of Mark, All manner of sins and blasphemies shall
be forgiven unto the sons of men, wherewith soever they shall blaspheme. Which
place, methought, at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise, for the
pardon of high offenses; but considering the place more fully, I thought it was
rather to be understood as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a
natural estate, committed such things as there are mentioned; but not to me,
who had not only received light and mercy, but that had, both after, and also
contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.
148. I feared
therefore that this wicked sin of mine might be that sin unpardonable, of
which he there thus speaketh. "But he they shall blaspheme against the
Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation"
(Mark 3:29). And I did rather give credit to this, because of that sentence
in the Hebrews common "For ye know, how that afterward, when he would have
inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance,
though he sought it carefully with tears." 'And this stuck always with
me.'
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