279. After this, God led me into something of
the mystery of union with Christ; wherefore I discovered and showed to them
also. And when I had traveled through these three chief points of the Word of
God, about the space of five years or more, I was caught in my present practice
and cast into prison, where I have lain above as long again, to confirm the
truth by way of suffering, as I was before in testifying of it according to the
Scriptures in a way of preaching.
280. When I have been preaching, I thank God,
my heart hath often all the time of this and the other exercise, with great
earnestness, cried to God that he would make the Word effectual to the
salvation of the soul; still being grieved lest the enemy should take the Word
away from the conscience, and so it should become unfruitful. Wherefore I did
labor so to speak the Word, as that thereby, if it were possible, the sins and
person guilty might be particularized by it.
281. Also, when I have done the exercise, it
hath gone to my heart to think the Word should now fall as rain on stony
places, still wishing from my heart, O that they who have heard me speak this
day did but see as I do what sin, death, hell, and the curse of God is; and
also what the grace, and love, and mercy of God is, through Christ, to men in
such a case as they are, who are yet estranged from him. And, indeed, I did
often say in my heart before the Lord, That if to be hanged up presently before
their eyes would be a means to awaken them and confirm them in the truth, I
gladly should be contented.
282. For I have been in my preaching,
especially when I have been engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without
works, as if an angel of God had stood by at my back to encourage me. Oh, it
hath been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I have
been laboring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon the
consciences of others, that I could not be contented with saying, I believe,
and am sure; methought I was more than sure if it is lawful so to express
myself, that those things which then I asserted were true.
283. When I went first to preach the Word
abroad, the doctors and priests of the country did open wide against me. But I
was persuaded of this, not to render railing for railing, but to see how many
of their carnal professors I could convince of their miserable state by the
law, and of the want and worth of Christ; for, thought I, This shall answer for
me in time to come, when they shall be for my hire before their faces (Gen
30:33).
284. I never cared to meddle with things that
were controverted, and in dispute amongst the saints, especially things of the
lowest nature; yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the
word of faith and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus;
but I say, as to other things, I should let them alone, because I saw they
engendered strife, and because that they neither, in doing nor in leaving
undone, did commend us to God to be his. Besides, I saw my work before I did
run in another channel, even to carry an awakening word; to that, therefore,
did I stick and adhere.
285. I never endeavored to, nor durst make
use of other men's lines (Rom 15:18), though I condemn not all that do, for I
verily thought, and found by experience, that what was taught me by the Word
and Spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stood to by the soundest
and best-established conscience; and though I will not now speak all that I
know in this matter, yet my experience hath more interest in that text of
Scripture than many amongst men are aware (Gal 1:11,12).
286. If any of those who were awakened by my
ministry did after that fall back, as sometimes too many did, I can truly say
their loss hath been more to me than if one of my own children, begotten of my
body, had been going to its grave; I think, verily, I may speak it without an
offense to the Lord, nothing hath gone so near me as that unless it was the
fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul. I have counted as if I had
goodly buildings and lordships in those places where my children were born; my
heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work, that I
counted myself more blessed and honored of God by this than if he had made me
the emperor of the Christian world, or the lord of all the glory of 'the' earth
without it! O these words, "He which converted the sinner from the error
of his way shall save a soul from death" (James 5:20). '"The fruit of
the righteous is a tree of life, and he that winneth souls are wise" (Prov
11:30). "They that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament,
and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars forever and ever"
(Dan 12:3). "For what is our hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing? Are not
even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at his coming? For ye are our
glory and joy" (1 Thess 2:19,20). These, I say, with many others of a like
nature, have been great refreshments to me.'
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