271. Wherefore, though of myself, of all the saints the most unworthy, yet
I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness, did set
upon the work and did according to my gift, and the proportion of my faith,
preach that blessed gospel that God had showed me in the holy Word of truth;
which, when the country understood, they came in to hear the Word by hundreds,
and that from all parts, though upon sundry and divers accounts.
272. And I thank God he gave unto me some measure of bowels and pity for
their souls, which also did put me forward to labor with great diligence and
earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if God would bless it, lay hold
of, and awaken the conscience, in which also the good Lord had respect to the
desire of his servant; for I had not preached long before some began to be
touched by the Word, and to be greatly afflicted in their minds at the
apprehension of the greatness of their sin, and of their need of Jesus Christ.
273. But I at first could not believe that God should speak by me to the
heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who thus was
touched would love me and have a peculiar respect for me; and though I did put
it from me, that they should be awakened by me, still they would confess it and
affirm it before the saints of God; they would also bless God for me, unworthy
wretch that I am! and count me God's instrument that showed to them the way of
salvation.
274. Wherefore, seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so constant,
and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the knowledge of Jesus
Christ, rejoicing that ever God did send me where they were; then I began to
conclude it might be so, that God had owned in his work such a foolish one as
I, and then came to that word of God to my heart with such sweet refreshment,
"The blessing of him that was ready to perish came upon me, and I caused
the widow's heart to sing for joy" (Job 29:13).
275. At this therefore I rejoiced, yea, the tears of those whom God did
awaken by my preaching would be both solace and encouragement to me; for I
thought on those sayings, "Who is he that makes me glad but the same which
is made sorry by me?" (2 Cor 2;2); and again, Though "I will not be
an apostle to others, yet, doubtless, I am to you: for the seal of mine
apostleship are ye in the Lord" (1 Cor 9:2). These things, therefore, were
as another argument unto me that God had called me to, and stood by me in this
work.
276. In my preaching of the Word, I took special notice of this one thing, namely,
that the Lord did lead me to be where his Word begins with sinners; that is, to
condemn all flesh, and to open and allege that the curse of God, by the law,
doth belong to, and lay hold on all men as they come into the world, because of
sin. Now this part of my work I fulfilled with great sense; for the terrors of
the law, and guilt for my transgressions, lay heavy on my conscience. I
preached what I felt, what I smartingly did feel, even that under which my pour
soul did groan and tremble to astonishment.
277. Indeed I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I went myself in
chains to preach to them in chains; and carried that fire in my own conscience
that I persuaded them to beware of. I can truly say, and that without
dissembling, that when I have been to preach, I have gone full of guilt and
terror even to the pulpit door, and there it hath been taken off, and I have
been at liberty in my mind until I have done my work, and then immediately,
even before I could get down the pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I was
before; yet God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt
nor hell could take me off my work.
278. Thus I went for the space of two years, crying out against men's sins, and their fearful state because of them. After which the Lord came in upon my own soul with some staid peace and comfort through Christ; for he did give me many sweet discoveries of his blessed grace through him. Wherefore now I altered in my preaching, for still I preached what I saw and felt; now, therefore, I did much labor to hold forth Jesus Christ in all his offices, relations, and benefits unto the world; and did strive also to discover, to condemn, and remove those false supports and props on which the world doth both lean and by their fall and perish. On these things also I staid as long as on the other.
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