The other day
I met a lady in the shopping center. I know her and her husband from my
previous Church. Although I used to
interact mainly with her husband, when I saw her she smiled at me. I stopped
and inquired about how her family was doing. Then, knowing very well they were
part of what God has called me to leave behind, I inquired about her spiritual
growth. She went on telling me how much they are growing in the Lord and how
important it is to keep growing etc. She then asked me a question about myself,
I said, unfortunately God told me He wants me in the background. She then answered
what do you mean God told you? How do you know it is God? I responded, because
I interact with Him on a daily basis and because I have a relationship with the
triune God within. She then replied, “don't tell me you can hear God.” I said
of course I can hear God talking to me in the new heart. Then the lady
dismissed me like an old dirty sock and walked away while she is saying “I have
to go”. I could tell from her attitude she felt, somehow I have become a
deranged person.
Afterward, I
felt bad as if I let God down. I knew this lady was going to talk to her
husband and both of them would agree that I am crazy. I felt even as she was
leaving, I should have given her at least one verse reference to this fact. I
guess one of the reasons I am stuck in Deuteronomy 6-9 it is because I know too
well how my previous church was like most Churches today. They function as if
the God of the Old Testament is a God of the past and a God of history and the God
of the New Testament is more loving. So they could not see anything wrong with
practicing the kind of Christianity where everything is under some kind of
cheap grace. This kind of teaching was such a stumbling block for me when the
Holy Spirit decided to teach me Himself.
Once again, I
will go down in history for saying we Protestants has taken way too much out of
God's word. Yet we cannot see the big tree in our eyes because we are too busy
judging the Catholics for adding too much. God is truly all knowing. He did not
say these words in Deuteronomy 4:2 in vain. “Do not add to what I command
you and do not subtract from it, but keep the commands of the LORD your God
that I give you.” He knew an important group of people would add to His
word another important one would take away from His word. The only way to find
a balance is to rely on His grace. When God was dealing with the Israelites in
the wilderness, it was His grace at work through them, even today, it is still
His grace at work through us. – Nothing has changed, He is the same today and
forever.
One of the
first things He decided to teach me in the wilderness was to get rid of this
kind of love that I felt for Him. I sobbed uncontrollably when He showed me
that the only love I am capable of feeling for Him had nothing to do with the
love that He talked about. By then, my heart was engulfed with gratitude for my
salvation, so I truly thought I loved Him. You can imagine how bad I felt when
I recognized within me, I did not have the capacity even to do something as
simple as loving Him. I cried because I felt I had nothing to offer this big
God. I remember the Holy Spirit consoles me as He explained to me how it was okay
for me to offer a defective human love (Philos love) to Him. He also taught me
as long as I am willing to let Him take my defective love and change it into
His agape love, that’s all it takes. A
few years down the road He showed me how I am making use of His agape love
flowing in my heart.
Without going
to God in humility, we keep recycling and loving God with the same kind of
feelings of friendship love that the unbelievers use to love each other. The
love God is talking about in the Bible is so much more than what we know and
what we have to offer. This Godly love that we are commanded to love our God
with, as well as our brothers and sisters in Christ and also the unbelievers, is
not the kind of love that we withdraw “just because.” In time, I also
understood why it took God so long to finally show me His agape love was now
flowing through me. Like anything that belongs to Him that we have to make use
of, He has to first empty us. Whether we talk about His Holiness, His Righteousness
or His Agape Love, if we are too full of the self, He needs to empty us first
before He can fill us up with Himself.
With all my
heart, I did not care about this lady dismissal of me as she walked away. God
already made it clear to me that I am not going to gather friends by speaking
the truth that He taught me. If I were to care about myself, this would mean I
have not learned to serve one God, and man’s opinion still matters a great
deal. Paul told us it is wrong in Galatians 1:10. God has dealt with my heart
over the years to learn to focus on serving Him and let Him deal with man’s
opinion of me. But, my heart was aching knowing that, this lady's husband is
well respected in the Church and he is part of the leadership. He also has a
bible study group that I attended once in early 2000 a few months after I
became a Christian. I care because I missed an opportunity to let God use me
properly. I care because I realized since I left the Church, the pastor is
different, but the teaching has not changed much. It makes sense when you
consider the pastor who took over was a mentor to the previous one.
So, as I read
Deuteronomy 6-9 I kept asking myself, how on earth can a Christian read these
chapters and not seeing the cheap grace that permeates the Church then, and
now? I ask myself why do we take it all
for granted, and throw “diligence” out of the window while living with the
assumption that it is okay to do that to God. One of the reasons cheap grace
permeates the Church so much is because, like the Israelites, we have never
learned to let His grace help us love Him with all our heart. It is only by
learning to love Him with all our heart that the self can fade away while the
heart and soul embrace the saviour and take on His interests alone.
Sadly, often
times, we have followed a path for so long that we cannot get off of it even if
we wanted to. So, when we hear the truth and it does not sit well with us, most
of the time we automatically respond with our fragile ego. We use it as a
shield to protect us from our fear and shame. But just the fact that our ego is
leading, should be a major indication that we are nowhere near where we should
be with God. Like the Israelites the only thing that was leading them in the
wilderness was their ego. When the ego (the self) has not been dealt, with then
we have nothing to offer as we insist on living in the flesh. The moment the
flesh is leading there is no room for the Holy Spirit to be heard and to work
within us. It makes sense because we already have a master at work, why would
we need the Holy Spirit's leadership?
God is good. He made arrangement for me to see this lady
again, three days after our first encounter. It is funny that I did not see
them since 2007 and suddenly I got to see the wife twice in three days. When I
saw her I took her on the side and told her, the other day I made her uncomfortable for
saying that I could hear God, but I had no intention of offending her simply
because God’s word says "my sheep hears my voice" She looked at me
straight in my eyes, changed the subject while walking away. I was at peace
knowing that I did what I had to do. I gave her something to think about and
will no longer worry about my part, the rest is up to God.
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