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02 April, 2013

A Melancholic Day With Him!

Today I am having such a melancholic day that I felt the need to change the post.  On Easter Sunday I was having dinner with my son and his family and he asked some questions that I felt were hard for me to answer. I went on explaining to him that God is working in my life now in a way that I have no idea how to follow. I recall giving him an example of a dear friend of mine whom I know for more than twenty years. In the flesh I am trying so hard to hold on to this friend of mine, but in my heart and soul I could feel there was a work being done by another party and I am being told to take a different path. Granted, my friend is very stubborn when it comes to God and has never taken one step forward with Him. Sadly, this friend is one of those who believe once you say the sinner’s prayer whether you were pushed, bribed, intimidated, or because you wanted to err on the caution side, just in case there is a hell, then you get baptized and get yourself into a Church, well you are saved and you have a spot for you waiting in heaven no matter what.

I am the first one to be amazed at how when you are walking with God, even the trivial conversation God does not let go to waste. Since the conversation with my son, I felt so melancholic; I could not explain it and I tried my best not to ruin our time together. Little did I know God set out to make things clearer to me since yesterday. I spent the whole day where He was teaching me about 1 Corinthians 5:9-13 and 1 Corinthians 6:9-11. While I felt the study made me icky, because you cannot get into these things without being harsh, but this is one of those things that you do not choose with God because it is not about you. I had an understanding that I was being separated further which increased my melancholy because I have in place something that is more like my personal support system in the sense, when I am with these people, even though we can touch a conversation about God but I am not as absorbed with Him. These friends make me feel that for a moment I can take a break from God. To some extend I feel, I need this support because it allows me to be in the flesh and stop being so absorbed by God every minute of my life. Believe it or not when I am with these types of friends, it makes me feel like a simple human being.

This morning to my surprise I found out God is not finished with me. First of all, I was urged to go to Leviticus 17 -20 as I read these chapters, all He confirmed to me there is that He is still the same God and has never changed. Then I read Oswald Chambers devotion for today that cemented it all because of the part that He wanted to drill in my head. Oswald said: “Never allow anything to divert you from your insight into Jesus Christ. It is the true test of whether you are spiritual or not. To be unspiritual means that other things have a growing fascination for you. Since mine eyes have looked on Jesus, I’ve lost sight of all beside, So enchained my spirit’s vision, Gazing on the Crucified.

I cannot help being sad because one more time I am relieving the time when He took my right hand in His left hand to lead me to the wilderness. I knew I was leaving it all behind, Church friends etc. Times like that, you cannot help mourning because of the lost. It is like part of you is dying. Now, I know God is good but for now my heart is heavy and I need to mourn.

As I am writing this blog, the Holy Spirit made me understand that although I am sad because of what I am leaving behind, but there is something deeper going on. He then let me see how my heart is also heavy because I understand through my support system, I have sinned against Him and thwarted the work He needs to do in and with me. So, my need to be in the flesh to feel like a simple human being has to go.

“Since mine eyes have looked on Jesus, I’ve lost sight of all beside, So enchained my spirit’s vision, Gazing on the Crucified.” – This is where I failed Him and this is where I need to pick up the pace.