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Today’s
devotion of April 29, is one that I have been struggling with so much. Oswald
said: “Our natural inclination is to be so precise—trying always to forecast
accurately what will happen next—that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing.”
I have to admit that I left that stage of my life a long time ago. God forced
me to get there by engineering circumstances in my life where I did not have a
choice. For me it was “swim or sink”
Oswald
said: “Our common sense says, “Well,
what if I were in that circumstance?” We cannot presume to see ourselves in any
circumstance in which we have never been.” I found the more He keeps me in
the waiting process, the more I learn to stop imagining my circumstances. (it’s
a choice) I also found out that Satan knows us better than we know ourselves
and he can tell when we are trying to live life ahead of God. Before we know
it, this made up life in our mind becomes real. Sadly, as the imagined life
becomes reality “in our mind”, there is a big conflict with the tangible life
that we are living now, one that is involved interacting with others and it puts
pressure on us to react a certain way as if our expectations are not being met.
There is a movie coming out soon which is called “the secret life of Walter
Mitty” I read this book a few decades ago and I remember how much I enjoyed it
because I could identify with the protagonist. But, way back then, I was not a Christian,
and felt there was nothing wrong in living this way to make my real life
bearable. My point here is that it is
not Godly to live a life in conflict with the real life. It is the way of the
unbeliever.
How
do I know that? Because God has been hard at work in me trying so hard to drill
it into my thick skull the past few years. There is nothing that Oswald
Chambers has written in today’s devotion that is new to me or that I have not experienced
with God. But, there are so many steps in between to get you to the point where
one can live a life of gracious uncertainty with God. I am at the stage where I
am still finding it hard to reconcile and live out the gracious uncertainty of
my spiritual life as if it was a “normal life” and share it with no fear of
being ridiculed or misunderstood by so called Christians. Gracious uncertainty
while it is very much a SPIRITUAL LIFE ,
but it merges and embedded itself with the real and normal day to day life we
live on earth. It is also part of living out a surrendered life, part of the
transformation process, dependence and faith in God. It is strange that I do
not mind the unbelievers, but my big challenge is those so called believers who
are willing to think that I am an idiot and I am the one who does not
understand God, because I am not making plans to present to God.
Here
is my fight with God. He wants me to share and live out, my
gracious uncertainty with pride. This pride I am referring to is the same pride
that Paul felt when he said “I am not ashamed of the Gospel of God” and for
some reason living out my spiritual life of gracious uncertainty is also related
to that verse. Every single time He put me in a situation where I have to share
proudly I both shy away or I do not answer all together. Then, I grumble in my
heart that I do not have people to truly fellowship with. (Keep in mind that He
taught me His idea of true fellowship) Growing in gracious uncertainty is maturing in
your spiritual life. When you fellowship with a bunch of believers who believe
in their own belief, trying to tell them with joy, how you are uncertain of
tomorrow, it feels like you are living out Matthew 7:6 "Do not give
dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample
them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” I am not uncertain
of God, in fact, I AM CERTAIN OF GOD, but I hate the fact that He keeps putting
me in situations where I have to share my uncertainty of what He is going to do
next.
NEWS
FLASH! I had all the intention of closing this post with something like
“pray for me so that I can allow God to work this part of the gospel in my
heart.” But would you believe as I am writing this post that God dealt with my
heart? This is one of the things I love about this Christian life being a
journey. You are never too mature to learn simple things with God and you can
never outgrow this spiritual life. He just taught me that the reason I
close-in, scared of sharing, scared of being ridiculed, misunderstood etc., is
because I am not learning to leave the consequences of people’s
misunderstanding, the shame of being ridiculed for my spiritual life and all
that it entails, in His hands.
Can
you see the domino effect of this spiritual journey? I got to go now because I
have teary eyes and so many feelings that I have to deal with right now. What a
journey we are called to live out with Him! This spiritual life is one that can
only be lived out “IN THE SPIRIT!”
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