When I was younger in the faith and since I had no idea what
it meant to walk in the Spirit, I kept going around being myself. I was judged
harshly. But, although these people were judging my behaviour, i.e I laughed
too hard, not “compose” enough, not good being divorce and single in the
Church, etc. I don’t know how to explain it, but there was something about me
that God must have put there to help me see that they were judging me to either
feel better about themselves. The older Christians judged because they were so
settled in their ways they took their interpretation of the word of God for
being right, as such I was wrong in their sight. Somehow, even though I had
great respect for my elders, teachers, and all who decided to lead me.
Strangely, I knew in my heart that the majority of them were no different from
the unbelievers I was dealing with at work. I knew it was mainly external and
that they have learned to control their behavior. Someone even said to me,
“When you are here or in any Christian functions, remember, people are
watching” This came from someone who wanted to be friend with me and knew how
much people were talking about me behind my back.
Because this person was a Christian much longer than I, and
was respected by the leaders, I took the advice with humility, promising to try
harder. As time went by, I realized, the difference between me and majority of
my brothers and sisters in my Church were that I stood out, because of my
refusal to wear a mask. It was important to me not to wear a mask when I was in
the Church, because I felt, if I had to wear one among them, then what was the
point of being Christian to begin with?
To me, it was like being in a hospital and acting as if you are not sick
and in no need for a doctor.
I was never bitter about it, but in my heart, I was hurt to
see that I was judged so harshly, while I was really no different than those
who were doing the judging. This went on for years, until I grew so
dissatisfied with the kind of Christianity in all my surroundings, then I went
directly to God, complained my heart out to Him, accusing Him of lying about
Christianity and putting the bar so high that no one can reach it. (Funny how I
was still making excuses for them) After I finished complaining, the Holy
Spirit said sternly, “why don’t you surrender to me” I sort of stop and remain
quiet just to make sure that I heard what I heard. He said again “surrender to
me”. I finished my prayer time totally unsatisfied, at the same time, I was
aware of something that somehow I felt in my heart, I did not want.
The point of this post is this, as Christians, when we are
judged harshly we have a choice to make. We can harbour resentment against
those who are judging us unfairly in their self-righteousness. We can
retaliate, we can become bitter, let anger direct us, we can become arrogant
and be as self-righteous as them or we can take it all in and go humbly to God
with it. What these people did not know
about me is that deep inside, I knew I was not good, and I was craving to be
like Christ. Because I did not have spiritual knowledge of the word of God and
because I did not know Him yet, I did not understand that my craving was
because I wanted to be like Him. I kept thinking that I wanted to be like our forefathers
in the Bible who walked with Him. I could see there was a difference and I
wanted that for me. So, even though I was hurt, but I focussed mainly on Christ
without knowing it was the right attitude and response. Remember, I was a babe in the faith and so
stupid and clueless that I was cute.
Years after that, God showed me how the majority of people
in the Church, from top to bottom, are a perfect example of the Pharisees. He
showed me how they have learned to interpret the word of God to coincide with
their own prejudices. It was as if the
Church was a theater and everybody was in character playing a role where they
were bad at it, but they did not know because the critics were not out yet. It was
cold and unrighteous. Yet, in appearance, that was not the Church I knew, in
fact people love this Church because it seems to be so good externally, and so
on fire for God. He showed me the lack of the Holy Spirit leading and so much
more that I was overwhelmed. At times, I felt, I could live this life without ever
knowing those things. Furthermore, I kept feeling that I was not worthy of all
those revelations about people who outranked me and their businesses. But, while He started revealing the
disobedience of my Church, He did not stop there. It was like teaching me how
to diagnose the state of His Salvation, His plan and His Church, throughout the
body of Christ, in North America, through His eyes.
The worst part of my training was when He decided to reveal
His heart to me and how He is lamenting over His Church. There are no words to describe
God’s lament for us. Here is how stupid I am, when I first experienced God
wailing for the Church and wailing for what we have made of Salvation. I do not
want to go through the whole thing with you because it is something between me
and God and also too painful and hard to relieve out again. But when all was
said and done and I was back to being myself, I first realized that I would
never want to be amongst those people causing Him so much pain. So I made it a
point that His purpose for my life, will be my purpose and nothing else would
do. But I asked myself, why does He allow us to have so much power over Him?
Since He is God, why doesn't He remove this part of Him that cause Him pain? I
have grown so much more since that time and I know that God is God and feeling
the pain for us is part of Him and cannot be removed. That in itself was a big
lesson with Him where I learned to understand why God felt anger, love, wrath,
mercy, and so on. They are all part of His holiness.
For few years in the
wilderness, that’s what my education was based on. I came out with some big
things that I learned. One, God does not wait to judge us with the same measure
He promised we would be judged when we are hypocrites and self-righteous. He
starts right here with those who are following Him wholeheartedly. I bet you these people never thought for a
moment that God would pronounce judgement on them, and use them to teach me
about His Church lacking “Christ and the Holy Spirit” in everything. Secondly, when
you are judged in any shape or form, whether it is righteous judgment or in
self-righteousness, learn to recognize that God can use even unbelievers to
teach you something about yourself. So, instead of digging your heels in who
you are, until you become set in your ways that even the Holy Spirit could not
make you budge, go to Him directly. Do not
lash out and resist the temptation to reciprocate while you are hurting. I was
too stupid about the word of God and lack knowledge to pass judgment on the
people judging me and I was not malicious enough to use the information that I
knew about them wearing masks and controlling their behavior through the flesh.
It turns out that God was training me through the gift of wisdom and godly
discernment. The third thing I learned from this training, is that God was
preparing me for my ministry, but in those days, I had no idea how to walk with
God, let alone thinking that was a preparation for His purpose for me. You see,
Ministry is not something that we do, but something that we are on the inside
before it becomes external.
Another thing that I did not know is that, when we are
self-righteous in the Church, most of us tend to see it as “our business.” God revealed to me, that, it was not my
business or their business, but our self-righteousness is “His business” so He
can train anyone He wants to teach them “righteous judgment” to put their noses
in God’s business and shake us out of our lethargy. I also learned that we
might be on fire with our emotions for God, but spiritually speaking, lethargic.
(Just like Paul used to be or the Pharisees). After all this training, I had no
idea what to do with it and I even asked Him how He planned to use someone as
stupid as me? At one point, I dreamed that He would change me overnight and
make me someone eloquent and educated, which was my desires, not His. Instead,
He told me He will not give me those desires of my heart because they were in
the flesh, however He gave me the gift of boldness. I’ll tell you, if you knew
me before, you would understand why the gift of boldness hit me like a
bulldozer one day. That was 2012, when I started blogging. It has been quite a
ride with God in teaching me how to let Him use me. In righteous judgment, we
need to be right with God first, He trains us, and teaches us how to discern
and give us the wisdom needed as He uses us. Mainly, we need to keep walking
and living in the Spirit so that we do not judge others through our eyes and
prejudices, but through His eyes alone.
I will not split this post into two parts, however, I will
not blog tomorrow to give you time to read.
In His Agape Love,
M.J
