'This, for that
instant, did benumb the sinews of my best delights, and did imbitter my former
pleasures to me; but behold it lasted not for before I had well dined, the
trouble began to go off my mind, and my heart returned to its old course. But
O! how glad was I, that this trouble was gone from me, and that the fire was
put out, that I might sin again without control! Wherefore, when I had
satisfied nature with my food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old
custom of sports and gaming I returned with great delight.
'But the same day, as
I was in the midst of a game at cat, and having struck it one blow from the
hole, just as I was about to strike it the second time, a voice did suddenly
dart from heaven into my soul, which said, "Wilt thou leave thy sins and
go to heaven, or have thy sins and go to hell?" At this I was put to an
exceeding maze; wherefore leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked up to
heaven, and was as if I had, with the eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord
Jesus looking down upon me, as being very hotly displeased with me, and as if
he did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and other
my ungodly practices.
'I had no sooner thus
conceived in my mind, but, suddenly, this conclusion was fastened on my spirit,
for the former hint did set my sins again before my face, that I had been a
great and grievous sinner, and that it was now too late for me to look after
heaven; for Christ would not forgive me, nor pardon my transgressions. Then I
fell to musing upon this also; and while I was thinking on it, and fearing lest
it should be so, I felt my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too late;
and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin: for, thought I, if
the case be thus, my state is surely miserable; miserable if I leave my sins,
and but miserable if I follow them; I can but be damned, and if I must be so, I
had as good be damned for many sins, as be damned for few.
'Thus I stood in the
midst of my play, before all that then were present: but yet I told them
nothing. But I say, I having made this conclusion, I returned desperately to my
sport again; and I well remember, that presently this kind of despair did so
possess my soul, that I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfort
than what I should get in sin; for heaven was gone already; so that on that I
must not think.'
How difficult is it,
when immorality has been encouraged by royal authority, to turn the tide or to
stem the torrent. For at least four years, an Act of Parliament had prohibited
these Sunday sports. Still the supineness of the justices, and the connivance
of the clergy, allowed the rabble youth to congregate on the Green at Elstow,
summoned by the church bells to celebrate their sports and pastimes, as they
had been in the habit of doing on the Lord's day.[
This solemn warning,
received in the midst of his sport, was one of a series of convictions, by
which he hardened sinner was to be fitted to receive the messages of mercy and
love. In the midst of his companions and of the spectators, Bunyan was struck
with a sense of guilt. How rapid were his thoughts—'Wilt thou leave thy sins
and go to heaven, or have thy sins and go to hell?' With the eye of his
understanding he saw the Lord Jesus as 'hotly displeased.' The tempter suggests
it is 'too, too late' to seek for pardon, and with a desperate resolution which
must have cost his heart the severest pangs, he continued his game. Still the
impression remained indelibly fixed upon his mind.
The next blow which
fell upon his hardened spirit was still more deeply felt, because it was given
by one from whom he could the least have expected it. He was standing at a
neighbour's shop-window, 'belching out oaths like the madman that Solomon
speaks of, who scatters abroad firebrands, arrows, and death'[58] 'after his
wonted manner.' He exemplified the character drawn by the Psalmist. 'As he
clothed himself with cursing like as with his garment: so let it come into his
bowels like water, and like oil into his bones.'
