When I was
waiting for God in the wilderness, the Holy Spirit impressed on my heart how
important that I learn to wait patiently and learn to persevere and endure
through the pain. I knew through it I had to take it all in, trust Him for the
outcome and trust His timing however long He decided. This was a very hard
lesson, one that He kept unfolding day by day. At times, I have to admit it was
a hard pill to swallow. I was waiting for answers that never came, yet I needed
these answers to even survive. I was miserable because I knew if He does not
answer or act right away, the consequences would be disastrous for my
life.
In times, I had
to learn to not only persevere which meant to carry on through the hardship I
was going through. He made it clear to me that depression and self-pity was not
part of the agenda and if I was to give in to them, then that would defeat the
purpose.
While trying my
best to persevere through the hardships I found every single day was an
adjustment to what had become my life. Several months after, I finally realized
even though my life was crumbling all around me and there was nothing left, it
was strange to see how God was not in a hurry helping me to pick up the pieces.
I needed to make
a decision to come to terms with all of it. This sober realization was more
devastating than when I started the road. No time frame can be put on Him, no
assumptions as to how He will get to me, and no expectations should be
cultivated on my part either. What was more devastating to my soul, I found I
had to make a choice to believe in Him while I was adjusting to the new
crumbling life. I knew in my soul, I had to learn to believe His promises are
true and He will not fail me, but the timing belongs to Him. It is very easy to
wait for God’s timing when you do not have a crucial matter that requires his
attention NOW! TODAY!
When the worst
that I feared happened, what was left was to work it out in my soul. Strangely,
I also realize while there was nothing else left to lose, I realized not taking
a stand and the right one; I stood to lose the most important thing of all. At
that time, it meant choosing Him. Make no mistake it is hard to choose to walk
with Him when things seemed from the outside that He does not care what is
happening to you.
I had to fight to
put my humanity aside, I had to move beyond the pain of all my loss and what my
life became, to say to Him, “so be it, let’s do it your way Lord”. To my
surprise the saying in Hebrews 11:1 came alive in my heart. I had no idea that
the impartation of this verse was so hard, so painful and had to be acquired
personally. It meant to come to terms with the fact that you have to have
assurance in something you cannot see and you might never see it in your
lifetime, yet you KNOW because God cannot lie, it will happen in His own time. I
remember saying to myself wow! Christianity is deep. Who would have thought
those simple words would have become my personal tragedy?
I remember thinking
how the whole thing did not make sense for my life if I did not get to enjoy
His promises while I am alive. As I was thinking these things as if the Holy
Spirit could not hear me, He replied to me “ I understand what you are thinking
and it makes sense to you, but what I need from you child is for you to come to
a place where you are alright with it and it has to be well with your soul.” Just
because He said so, it became important to me. I struggled and prayed hard for
a few days to really make my heart accept the outcome as He sees it, not
according to my expectations and my understanding.
This was my big
lesson from God in terms of spiritual perseverance and endurance and I found,
if you can go pass that stage, than the rest of your Christian life is easier
to persevere and endure the other daily challenges that come your way.
