Fourth. Thy fear that Christ will not receive you may arise from a sense of the exceeding mercy of being saved; sometimes salvation is in the eyes of him who desires so great, so huge, so wonderful a thing, that the very thoughts of its excellency engender unbelief about obtaining it, in the hearts of those who unfeignedly desire it. “Do you think it is a small matter to become the king’s son-in-law?” (1 Sam 18:23). So the thoughts of the greatness and glory of the thing propounded, as heaven, eternal life, eternal glory, to be with God, and Christ, and angels; these are great things, things too good, saith the soul that is little in his own eyes; things too rich, saith the soul that is truly poor in spirit, for me.
Besides, the Holy Ghost hath a way to greaten heavenly things to the understanding of the coming sinner; yea, and at the same time to greaten, too, the sin and unworthiness of that sinner. Now the soul staggeringly wonders, saying, What! to be made like angels, like Christ, to live in eternal bliss, joy, and felicity! This is for angels, and for those who can walk like angels! If a prince, a duke, an earl, should send (by the hand of his servant) for some poor, sorry, beggarly scrub, to take her for his master to wife, and the servant should come and say, My lord and master, such a one hath sent me to thee, to take thee to him to wife; he is rich, beautiful, and of excellent qualities; he is loving, meek, humble, well-spoken, &c. What now would this poor, sorry, beggarly creature think? What would she say? or how would she frame an answer? When King David sent to Abigail upon this account, and though she was a rich woman, she said, “Behold, let thine handmaid be a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord” (1 Sam 25:40, 41). She was confounded, she could not tell what to say, The offer was so great, beyond what could reasonably be expected.
But suppose this great person should second his suit, and send it to this sorry creature again, What would she say now? Would she not say, You mock me? But what if he affirms that he is in good earnest and that his lord must have her to credit his message and to address herself for her journey; yet, behold every thought of her pedigree confounds her; also, her sense of want of beauty makes her ashamed; and if she does not think of being embraced, the unbelief that is mixed with that thought whirls her into trembling; and now she calls herself a fool, for believing the messenger, and thinks not to go; if she thinks of being bold, she blushes; and the least thought that she shall be rejected when she comes at him, makes her look as if she would give up the ghost.
And is it a wonder, then, to see a soul that is drowned in the sense of glory and a sense of its own nothingness, to be confounded in itself, and to fear that the glory apprehended is too great, too good, and too rich, for such a one? That thing, heaven, and eternal glory are so great, and I that would have it, so small, so sorry a creature, that the thoughts of obtaining it confound me.
Thus, I say, doth the greatness of the things desired, quite a dash, and overthrow the mind of the desirer. Oh, it is too big! It is too big! It is too great a mercy! But, coming sinner, let me reason with you. Thou sayest, it is too big, too great. Well, will less satisfying things satisfy your soul? Will less than heaven, glory, and eternal life answer your desires? No, nothing less; and yet I fear they are too big and too good for me, to ever obtain them. Well, as big and as good as they are, God giveth them to such as thou; they are not too big for God to give; no, not too big to give freely. Be content; let God give like himself; he is that eternal God, who gives like himself. When kings give, they do not use to give as poor men do. Hence it is said, that Nabal made a feast in his house like the feast of a king; and again, “All these things did Araunah, as a king, give unto David” (1 Sam 25:36; 2 Sam 24:23). Now, God is a great king, let him give like a king; nay, let him give like himself, and do thou receive like thyself. He has all, and you have nothing. God told his people of old, that he would save them in truth and in righteousness, and that they should return to, and enjoy the land, which before, for their sins, had spewed them out; and then added, under a supposition of their counting the mercy too good, or too big, “If it is marvelous in the eyes of the remnant of this people in these days, should it also be marvelous in mine eyes? saith the Lord of hosts” (Zech 8:6).
