Bunyan was now
dressed in the garb of a religious professor and had become a brisk talker in
the matters of religion, when, by Divine mercy, he was stripped of all his good
opinion of himself; his want of holiness, and his unchanged heart, were
revealed to his surprise and wonder, by means simple and efficacious, but which
no human forethought could have devised. Being engaged in his trade at Bedford,
he overheard the conversation of some poor pious women, and it humbled and
alarmed him. 'I heard, but I understood not; for they were far above, out of my
reach. Their talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts, also
how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature; how God had visited
their souls with his love in the Lord Jesus, and with what words and promises
they had been refreshed, comforted, and supported against the temptations of
the devil.
Moreover, they
reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular; and told to
each other by which they had been afflicted, and how they were borne up under
his assaults. hey also discoursed of their own wretchedness of heart, of their
unbelief; and did contemn, slight, and abhor their own righteousness, as filthy
and insufficient to do them any good. And methought they spake as if joy did
make them speak; they spake with such pleasantness of Scripture language, and
with such appearance of grace in all they said, that they were to me as if they
had found a new world; as if they were people that dwelt alone, and were not to
be reckoned among their neighbours (Num 23:9).
'At this I felt my
own heart began to shake, as mistrusting my condition to be naught; for I saw
that in all my thoughts about religion and salvation, the new birth did never
enter into my mind; neither knew I the comfort of the Word and promise, nor the
deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart. As for secret thoughts, I
took no notice of them; neither did I understand what Satan's temptations were,
nor how they were to be withstood and resisted.
'Thus, therefore,
when I heard and considered what they said, I left them and went about my
employment again, but their talk and discourse went with me; also my heart
would tarry with them, for I was greatly affected by their words, both
because by them I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly
man, and also because by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed
condition of him that was such a one.'
The brisk talker of 'talkative,' was confounded—he heard pious godly women mourning over their worthlessness instead of vaunting of their attainments. They exhibited, doubtless to his great surprise, that self-distrust and humility are the beginnings of wisdom.
These humble disciples could have had no conception
that the Holy Spirit was blessing their Christian communion to the mind of the
tinker, standing near them, pursuing his occupation. The recollection of the
converse of these poor women led to solemn heart-searching and the most painful anxiety; again and again, he sought their
company, and his convictions became deeper, his solicitude more intense.
This was the
commencement of an internal struggle, the most remarkable of any upon record,
except that of the psalmist David.
It was the work of
the Holy Spirit in regenerating and preparing an ignorant and rebellious man
for extraordinary submission to the sacred Scriptures, and for most extensive
usefulness. To those who never experienced in any degree such feelings, they
appear to indicate religious insanity. It was so marvelous and so mysterious,
as to be mistaken by a poet laureate, who profanely calls it a being 'shaken
continually by the hot and cold fits of a spiritual ague': 'reveries': or one
of the 'frequent and contagious disorders of the human mind,' instead of
considering it as wholesome but bitter medicine for the soul, administered by
the heavenly Physician. At times he felt, like David, 'a sword in his bones,'
'tears his meat.' God's waves and billows overwhelmed him (Psa 43). Then came
glimmerings of hope—precious promises saving him from despair—followed by the
shadow of death overspreading his soul, and involving him in midnight darkness.
He could complain in the bitterness of his anguish, 'Thy fierce wrath goeth
over me.' Bound in affliction and iron, his 'soul was melted because of
trouble.'
'Now Satan assaults
the soul with darkness, fears, frightful thoughts of apparitions; now they
sweat, pant, and struggle for life. The angels now come (Psa 107) down to
behold the sight, and rejoice to see a bit of dust and ashes to overcome
principalities, and powers, and might, and dominion.' His mind was fixed on
eternity, and out of the abundance of his heart he spoke to one of his former
companions; his language was that of reproof—'Harry, why do you swear and curse
thus? what will become of you if you die in this condition?' His sermon,
probably the first he had preached, was like throwing pearls before swine—'He
answered in a great chafe, what would the devil do for company, if it were not
for such as I am.'
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