As I started walking with God in a much deeper way, I have no idea why, but I felt I could not follow the examples that were set before me, which means to keep making decisions for my life as a Christian and put them before God, then, ask Him to close the doors He did not want for me. Don’t get me wrong, there are times where we need to do that. But, if this is a pattern we have established as a substitute to carry us throughout our Christian life, well then we are gambling.
Since I felt I could not keep gambling and I needed a better method, the Hillsong song “show me your ways that I may walk with you” had become my favorite song. After a year or so, I started getting upset a little bit. I could not understand why my situation was getting worse, I had a desire to do God’s will, I was walking the path, yet God seemed to be unresponsive to my prayers . I got mad at Him and said, well, if you are not going to show me the way, I may as well go back to what I was taught before. When you think about it, going forward without God, then bringing all our plans to Him to choose which one He wants is like that little silly game kid play called “mini me Ni mo”
But, even in my frustration I knew, I already know Him too well to go back to the old ways. I knew there was a better way I just did not know it yet. I decided to keep going with God and of course I had to ask for His forgiveness because I was insolent, and ungrateful. I resigned to take what was coming for me and embrace the mess my life had become. Funny how my life was falling apart and I had ample reasons to be grateful for the riches (spiritual) He showered over me. It was not long after that the Spirit made me understand that He was indeed showing me the way through what my life had become.
I was not happy about His idea of what the way should be because He had taken all my desires and goals and put them on the back burner as if they did not matter. To make matters worst, I felt lost because I was on a path that I did not recognize. I remember thinking about the story of Templeton as I weigh my choices. God needs to take us to a place where we are shut in and the only viable solution is to deny Him or trust Him. It is not easy to choose to trust Him when in front of you is the red sea behind you is the Egyptians army coming at you with all they have; there is nowhere to run when you look on your right or left. Yet you do not have much time to think, a decision needs to be made and quick, you are sad that you are there, there is such a mess in your head you cannot form one single thought that contain wisdom and discernment.
At times like that, it is so much easier to reject God and blame Him for all that is wrong in this world while we are thinking it is time to wash our hands off and walk away free. In my mind, I felt if I reject God, then I would no longer be "shut in", the Egyptia's army would disappear and the red sea would no longer be there. I truly felt they would all disappear like in a bad dream, I would wake up and everything would be all right.
In the end, I chose Him. I had no idea where He was leading, I had no map to get out of that maze I was in, I knew for sure the Egyptians army would slaughter me or I will die going in the red sea. I could not understand what God had to gain by getting me there. I could not see His goodness because I was in too much pain and it was too desolate inside me. But I decided, to choose to reject Him was not a viable option to me, even though this meant the worse was yet to come.
As I was going through the worse, I realized He did not make a way for me as He did for the Israelites, so like an idiot I said: “God, didn’t you miss a step in my case? Why is it I chose to go forward with you, yet I did not see your majestic power at work?” My thinking process was still wrong. I was still making things about me. I was expecting Him to do something majestic to get me out, when letting me go through that mess that had become my life, was indeed the path that I needed. It was not my first or second or third choice for that matter.
Another thing I learned later on is that the place we are at when we are shut in, is real. While everything is happening to us in the reality of this life. They are there so that God can deal with the spiritual life in us, He uses these things to remake us, to deal with our soul and refine us. Finding the reality of the life that I possess in soul and spirit would not have been made so evident and distinctive to me had I chose not go through with it.
Lord May I always choose your way, even when I cannot see the path. I pray that I will always trust you to provide light, in your own time.
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