This
Morning I had the weirdest time with God, I nagged about everything and He had
an answer every time I opposed Him. God being God, I found out in the end, He
had a purpose in mind, so this weird time with Him was needed.
I
have been feeling like a mess lately and in my mind there is so much clutters
about my walk with Him, I felt so tired and basically drained of all my energy.
I attributed the whole thing to the fact that I was so sick with this bad flu that
I am just getting over and the throat and ear infection that I did not take any
antibiotic on purpose for various reasons. The past few weeks I was able to post on my
blog because I did not really have to think since I only wrote about things that
I lived out with Him, but I was always aware of being light headed and not
being able to think properly at all.
So,
I was reading October 16th Oswald Chambers devotion, the Holy Spirit
told me to write my post on the subject. I got upset because I know from
experience that today’s devotion would be very cumbersome to write about for
two reasons. First, it took God years to walk me through the process to acquire
the mind and the attitude that Oswald Chambers is talking about in this devotion.
Secondly, I had such a hard time letting go of what I thought was so noble and
used to bring me so much satisfaction and joy, to embrace Christ’s point of
view when it comes to mission and works done in His name. I fought Him every
step of the way and He put a lot of work in me to teach me what Oswald put into
few words on a page. So I told God that I was tired of writing what He has done
in my life, I said it seems like I am making it about me, so how can that be
right in your sight? His answer was “why do you think I went through the
process of teaching you everything step by step through experiencing me? Why do
you think you cannot express yourself unless you go through things step by step?
When
I realized I was not going to win this argument with God, I said what about
Oswald Chambers, I can tell you put Him through the same training, why is it
you are okay with the fact that he wrote only for other Christians who are on
this path with you, couldn’t you entrust him to write things step by step as
well? He said to me, never mind Oswald Chambers he is not your business, and it
is not up to you to question me. I said God I am so tired, overwhelmed and
drained that I feel if I do not get out of it I am going to be depressed and
useless to you.
During
that time, my Bible was opened on my lap, I glanced at it and saw something I
wrote on June 2008 it goes this way “Lord
teach me how to be like Paul living each day as a new day with anticipation
forgetting yesterday and moving forward toward the goal.” When I read that, I said to God, I can’t
believe I was this person in 2008 and now I am failing you. Strangely, I
admitted to Him that I have lived the past few weeks on “past grace” instead of
fresh grace every day so that my mind could be renewed. Yet, I still did not
realize that God was leading me to an examination process that I have been
avoiding.
I
said to God, “so much for me wanting to be like Paul.” I not only feel I have
let you down but after fifteen years of Christianity I am nowhere to being like
Paul. God answer to me was “you are a human being it is normal that you go
through this phase once in a while and I fully expect that, He continued with, Paul
felt this way too, I had to get him out of those depressed times, yet, he is
the same man who later on wrote Philippians 3 that you love so much.”.
I
tried to go back to the Bible again, suddenly I was craving talking to my
friend, the one God had forbidden me to see when I wrote “A melancholic day on April 2nd and April 18 posts”
I know I have craving seeing my friend for the past few weeks, and at times, I
had to force myself not to take the phone and call. But, today the whole thing
came crashing down, I wanted to see my friend, I wanted to get away from it
all, and I needed a break from all those godly stuff in my mind. I could see
myself trying to remain seated to avoid going out. I felt like a junkie I need
of the next fix. Then God told me, do you see why I need to protect you against
yourself? I said to God, what does that
mean? Is that even Biblical what you are saying?
He
said well, read 2 Peter 2:7-10. After I finished reading those verses I still
did not quite understand and I remained quiet trying by myself to decipher what
He was trying to say to me. Of course He knows I was struggling to understand,
then He told me, there is a part of me that longs for this ungodly relationship
that corrupt my mind and spirit, and it is all against His purpose for any
child of His.
It
is so strange when we are not thinking soberly with the Holy Spirit. When I
found clarity of mind, I knew it was ridiculous of me to hold myself at such a
high standard because when Paul wrote Philippians he was a Christian for few decades
where I still have five full years to put in, before I can say I have been a Christian
for two decades. But, God was not concerned about that, He was concerned that I
was being too hard on myself and needed me to understand what I was going
through was part of the path of becoming this person He wants me to be. God is
fine with our shortcomings and failures He does not hold them against us nor
that He defines us by them, but AS LONG AS WE ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH WITH HIM. Like God
taught me, if we are going south and He is going North, while we love calling
ourselves work in progress, but in reality, as far as He is concerned, we are
not truly work in progress.
Someone
I love dearly made a decision a few weeks ago, but when he called me to tell me
what he was about to do, I told him, this decision will affect the rest of your
life and that he might never recover from it. He said I do understand I am
going complete opposite direction from God’s way. But this is what I need to
do. This person said something like he is hoping that God will somehow make
things right for him and eventually forgive him. He was doing what felt right
for him because he could not fathom the idea of trusting God and make a
decision that would have been painfully hard now, but over time would pass. This
person could not take the pain that we all encounter when we decide to allow
Him to work Salvation in and through us. Yet he still somehow hopes that God
would follow his footsteps. It is hard to talk to someone who is that far from
God, someone who is only counting on God’s goodness and love to make it. While God
can still salvage us when we defy Him and chose our own path, but we are
playing with fire and saying that we are a work in progress would not do.
I
know I am a work in progress because through His grace I maintain the path. Yet
I have a long way to go, and yes I hash things out with Him all the time. I do
it when I do not understand, I do it when I am overwhelmed with life and tired
of the waiting process, and so on. But the frame of mind that I am in, the
attitude, my intention, my heart and my disposition are all geared toward
following His path, His plan, and His purpose for me. Just like when you read
the psalmist, you can see how David hashed things out with God, but in the end,
he knew it was about His will for his life and nothing else. It is about
maintaining a state of mind where the heart is always open to the Holy Sprit helping
us mature spiritually while learning to continually practice His presence as we
put away all unchristian habits.
It
turns out, after God talked to me about my ungodly relationship that corrupt my
mind and spirit, He showed me the reason that I have been so overwhelmed lately,
and why I had all the clutters that made me feel I was a prisoner in my own
mind, is because in the past, I never dealt with the issue with Him. Instead I
chose to use my ungodly friend to feel emptied out and I would come back to Him
willing to continue the path. Then He said to me, the reason that you need a
break even from your spiritual life with me is because you are not learning to
put into practice to find your rest in me when your practical life become
cumbersome with all the small things.
While you have learned to rest in me for
the big things, you have to do the same with the small ones as well. I broke
down, I dumped the whole load that I was carrying, at His feet and while crying
I was able to feel so emptied out, so light that I took a deep breath from deep
down, then all of the sudden all clutters disappeared. Now I know what I have
been doing wrong and I will be diligent to keep resting in Him for little
things as well. But the truth is, I needed God to tell me that because I had no
idea what the remedy was and why I felt the need to get away from Him
sometimes.
Another thing that God
showed me as well, is that unless I learned to rest in Him for little things
instead of running to an ungodly friend, I will stunt my spiritual growth and
in order to take me further I have to learn to get to that hump that keep me
stumbling.