31. Thus I continued
about a year; all which time our neighbors did take me to be a very godly man,
a new and religious man, and did marvel much to see such a great and famous
alteration in my life and manners; and, indeed, so it was, though yet I knew
not Christ, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope; and, truly, as I have well seen
since had then died, my state had been most fearful; well, this, I say,
continued about a twelvemonth or more.
32. 'But, I say, my
neighbors were amazed at this my great conversion, from prodigious
profaneness to something like a moral life; and, truly, so they well might;
for this my conversion was as great, as for Tom of Bedlam to become a sober
man. Now, therefore, they began to praise, to commend, and to speak well of
me, both to my face and behind my back. Now, I was, as they said, become
godly; now, I have become a right honest man. But, oh! When I understood that
these were their words and opinions of men, it pleased me mighty well. For
though, as yet, I was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite, I loved to be
talked of as one that was truly godly. I was proud of my godliness, and,
indeed, I did all I did, either to be seen of or to be well spoken of, by man.
And thus I continued for about a twelvemonth or more.'
33. 'Now, you must
know, that before this I had taken much delight in ringing, but my conscience
beginning to be tender, I thought such practice was but vain, and therefore
forced myself to leave it, yet my mind hankered; wherefore I should go to the
steeple house, and look on it, though I durst not ring. But I thought this did
not become religion either, yet I forced myself and would look on still; but
quickly after, I began to think, How, if one of the bells should fall? Then I
chose to stand under a main beam, that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to
side, thinking there I might stand sure, but then I should think again, should
the bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall and then rebounding
upon me, might kill me for all this beam. This made me stand in the steeple
door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough; for, if a bell should then fall, I
can slip out behind these thick walls, and so be preserved notwithstanding.'
34. 'So, after this,
I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go further than the steeple
door; but then it came into my head, How if the steeple itself should fall?
And this thought, it may fall for ought I know, when I stood and looked on, did
continually so shake my mind, that I durst not stand at the steeple door any
longer, but was forced to flee, for fear the steeple should fall upon my head.'
35. 'Another thing
was my dancing; I was a full year before I could quite leave that; but all this
while, when I thought I kept this or that commandment or did, by word or deed,
anything that I thought was good, I had great peace in my conscience; and
should think with myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased with me; yea, to
relate it in mine own way, I thought no man in England could please God better
than I.'
36. 'But poor wretch
as I was, I was all this while ignorant of Jesus Christ, and going about to
establish my own righteousness; and had perished therein, had not God, in
mercy, showed me more of my state of nature.'