196. Now began my heart again to ache and fear I might meet with disappointment at the last; wherefore I began, with all seriousness, to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned as I have done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God, laid down in those words by which I had been comforted and on which I had leaned myself. But now were brought those sayings to my mind, "For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost and have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, if they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance" (Heb 6:4-6). "For if we sin willfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins, but a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries" (Heb 10:26,27). Even "as Esau, who, for one morsel of meat sold his birthright; for ye know how that afterward when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears" (Heb 12:16,17).
197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul, so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me; and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, "Rejoice not, O Israel, for joy as other people" (Hosea 9:1). For I saw indeed there was the cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but as for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions and left myself neither foot-hold nor hand-hold, amongst all the stays and props in the precious word of life.
198. And truly I did now feel myself to sink into a gulf, as a house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself, in this condition, unto the case of a child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who, though it could make some shift to scrabble and sprawl in the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore, at last, it must die in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, "This is for many days" (Dan 10:14). And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be eternal, they were at sometimes as help and refreshment to me.
199. For, thought I, many days are not forever, many days will have an end, therefore seeing I was to be afflicted, not a few, but many days, yet I was glad it was but for many days. Thus, I say, I could recall myself sometimes, and give myself a help, for as soon as ever the words came 'into my mind' at first, I knew my trouble would be long; yet this would be but sometimes, for I could not always think on this, nor ever be helped 'by it,' though I did.
200. Now, while these Scriptures lay before me, and laid sin 'anew' at my door, that saying in the 18th of Luke, with others, did encourage me to pray. Then the tempter again laid at me very sore, suggesting, That neither the mercy of God, nor yet the blood of Christ, did at all concern me, nor could they help me for my sin; 'therefore it was in vain to pray.' Yet, thought I, I will pray. But, said the tempter, your sin is unpardonable. 'Well, said I, I will pray. It is to no boot, said he.' Yet, said I, I will pray. So I went to prayer to God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect, Lord, Satan tells me that neither thy mercy nor Christ's blood, is sufficient to save my soul; Lord, shall I honor thee most, by believing thou wilt and canst? or 'him,' by believing thou neither wilt nor canst? Lord, I would fain honor thee, by believing thou wilt and canst.
201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my heart, "O [wo]man, great is thy faith" (Matt 15:28), even as if one had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God. Yet I was not able to believe this, 'that this was a prayer of faith,' till almost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down 'in a sad condition,' crying, Is his mercy clean gone? Is his mercy clean gone forever? And I thought sometimes, even when I was groaning in these expressions, they did seem to make a question whether it was or not; yet I greatly feared it was.
